偶然一次在和某位長輩談到關於感情的看法。當時的我對於感情本身是排斥的,基於我的經濟狀況的不穩定,加上脊椎受損,與同年齡的朋友相較,生活起步較慢,社會歷練缺乏,工作困難,思想過於理想,等等因素都顯示我眾多方面的不成熟。
  
  這樣的我,在一段感情裡,似乎只能成為對方的負擔。

  聽完我冗長的說詞後,當時長輩只回了輕輕一句,不迎不拒。

  乍聽之下我略有領悟,卻未能詳盡以言語闡述對於這句話的認知,直到今天才切身體悟到內含的真諦,而且發現我提出的一切困惑和自我催眠,在這四個字前面如此不堪一擊,像連夜堆積的冬雪遇到初春的暖陽。原來愚昧如我仍在劃地自限,以對自己的負面評價堆砌成一座阻絕外人的城牆。

  面對一望無際充斥各種可能的世界是很恐怖的,那是人對於未知一種出自天生的恐懼,於是我們創出各種神話和傳說,利用現在看似誇大不實的言詞去解釋和掌控天體運行的自然奧妙,化解時時刻刻必須與未知共生的深層懼怕。

  這種劃地自限會成為習慣,即便我們透過科學理解許多過去不可知的原理,對於未知,我們依舊懼怕,依舊尋求各種說法降低內心的不安,讓一切合理化。

  面對愛情,我們也不夠坦然率直。很多人可以東躲西藏迂迂迴迴尋找各式各樣的理論和預言,去分析解購甚至預言愛情,唯獨不能坦蕩蕩去面對一個人的來臨或離去,正面承受彼此的歡喜與悲傷,徹底容納對方的優點與缺點,並且承認自己的不完美。所以我們拼命追求,或拼命抗拒,又或糾纏其中難分難捨。

  說穿了,就是缺乏面對未知的勇氣。

  我有沒有勇氣面對自己生活和性格的不足,接受別人的批評與指教,接受一段感情所帶來情感上的起伏變化,面對踏出自己安全網外的茫然未知?我是不是準備好修正自己的行為和思想,準備為自己的選擇付出代價並且承擔後果?

  不迎不拒並非來者不拒,它是一種明心止水的透明境界,跳出了二元的對立,不再是積極和被動的兩端,要和不要的拉扯。它也不是什麼都不做,而是以一種更貼近自然的爽朗心態,晶瑩剔透地,去面對一切可能發生或不會發生的變數,依此而行。它更是一種把握當下的生活實踐,做好手邊的事,努力活出自己。把自己從對未知的恐懼中釋放,不再時時刻刻擔心受到傷害。不設限,不刻意,不先入為主,也不執著。

  非,也非非。

  當一個喜歡的人真的站在我的面前,我又該如何自處?在種種可能的變數裡,我能否將認知納入心,並誠實地形於外?

  這是我的課題。


  Once I discussed with an elder regarding my take on relationships. At the time, my stance on relationship was fairly negative, due to my shaky economic foundation, plus my spine injury, in comparison with friends of my age, I was behind in life, lacking social experiences, difficulty working in a normal environment (due to my spine) and always over-idealistic, all these elements revealed my immaturity as in individual.
  
  In a relationship for a person such as I, becoming a weighted burden seems inevitable.

  After I was done with my lengthy self-analysis, the elder replied gently: “Neither receive nor reject.”

  Right then and there I seemed to have understood its implication, but could not yet explicitly define my interpretation of these simple words. Until today, do I finally discovered its true essence. I am now aware the insignificance of all the concerns and self-hypnotization I once brought forth, as they stand pale in front of these simple words, and melt away like winter snow under the tender warmth of spring sun. I was ignorantly place limitation upon myself, building a castle out of my own negative self-opinions and criticisms and isolate myself.

  Facing a world of infinite possibilities can be a devastating experience, due to an innate fear of humans in the face of variables. Therefore we began to create myths and legends with exaggeration to explain and hence to manipulate the unpredictable motions of heaven and earth, dissolving that deep rooted fear of living of uncertainties.

  This kind of definition, as well as self-limitation, can become a habit. Despite our revelation of many principles and logics that is once unknown to us through the advancement in science and technology, our fear of uncertainty remains, yet we persist on searching for other alternative interpretations to reduce our discomfort, and rationalize everything around us.

  In the face of love, we are not frank enough. Many people spend countless hours in search of various theories to analyze, deconstruct or even to predict a relationship. They would do everything besides to openly face the coming and going of another, to burden the joy and sorrow of each other, to accept unconditionally the good and the bad, and acknowledge one’s own imperfection. We then chase or reject love, or entangled between both.

  Put it bluntly, we lack the courage to face uncertainties.

  Do I have the courage to face the deficiencies in my personality and my life, to accept the criticisms and suggestions of others, to embrace the emotional ups and downs in a relationship, and stepping outside my comfort zone and face that unpredictability? Am I ready to adjust my thoughts and behaviors, and be prepared to face the consequences of my decisions and pay the price?

  “Neither receive nor reject” does not mean acceptance of all who comes by. Rather, it is a state of clarity and tranquility, transcending the dualistic perspective, no longer a struggle between aggressive and passive, nor is it a pull and drag between want and want not. It is not inaction, but a straightforward mentality, crystal clear, to confront all that may or may not happen, and act accordingly. It is an active engagement of life at every moment, to focus on the tasks at hand and do the best one can do. To release oneself from the fear of unknown, no longer hangs in fear of been hurt. No limit, no deliberation, no predisposition, and no attachment.

  Neither this nor the opposite of this.

  When someone I like stand in front of me, how should I respond? In the wake of all the unknowns, can I internalize all that I’ve learnt and understood and let my behaviors be a direct manifestation of the knowledge I have acquired?

  That will be my task.

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